A NOTE TO GOD

When I was young, I used to ask you so many things... things that don't even matter. My mind was a blur. I didn't exactly know what I want.

I have wanted to become an educator, a psychologist, a facilitator, a writer. I have wanted to become so many things except becoming what I am right now.

For so many years I have delved into this great uncertainty, this prolonged sadness ... wanting the things I thought I should have. Wanting to be someone I thought I should be.

I am sorry for all the wasted years.
I am sorry for the fears, real or imagined, that have made me so limited and incapable.
I am sorry for having a heart that is easily offended.
I am sorry for this great "nothing-ness" that I have become.
I am sorry my Lord, I am so sorry.

I have asked you to change my heart. And you have.

Now I have decided to continue the pursuit of my profession. It took me so many years to actually like it... I am not yet loving it but I am learning... little by little. One step at a time.

Somehow I felt that I have truly lagged behind. When I look at my colleagues... my friends ... my former classmates... inferiority complex starts to creep in the deepest part of my heart. They all seem to have lived fascinating lives. And here I am ... just about to take my very first baby step.

It had taken me a lot of maturity, prayers, patience, humility and faith to be able to decide to do this. I was truly resistant at first... because I wanted other things. That is why I was living my life in circles and never in a straight line for the longest time. Always moving around but never reaching a destination.

I remember the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. "Ivy, you are just very much like them... wandering for so many years... just turning around the bush over and over again."

I have become so old. Bitter. Frustrated. Angry. Defeated and beaten down.

I have no money... and no name.

But I have asked you to change my heart. And you have.

Lord, you are the God of the impossible. And you are still the same God to even failures like me. I have wandered for so long. But now I am ready. Ready to start again. Ready to start this new dream.

You have changed my heart. And now I am asking you for an opportunity.

People may not give it to me... I have neither money nor name. But I am not asking it from them. I am asking it from YOU... the God of the impossible.

Help me. Mold me. Use me. Forgive me.

Take away the fears in my heart. And replace it with boldness and courage.

Grant me an employment opportunity. Grant me great health and the grace to do my tasks even under pressure. Grant me quick judgment and efficiency in my job. Grant skills upon my hands and knowledge into my brain.

Help me love the medical profession.

Help me. Mold me. Use me. Forgive me.

I-V-Y

**** And God replied: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a good future." Jeremiah 29:11 ****